African Americans: 5 Reasons why women don’t want to be a Queen.




( The other day I was speaking with a friend of mine. She is a highly intelligent and articulate black educator who is single, never been married, and has no children. In the course of our conversation the topic of relationships presented itself.

On many occasions she’s asked my opinion as to why it’s so hard for her to meet someone. I don’t typically answer her because there could be literally hundreds of different reasons. I don’t know how she interacts with people in public. I don’t know the circumstances that surround how and when she meets people. I do know that she’s a hard-working professional who volunteers at her church, operates her own small business when she’s not in the classroom, owns her own home, drives her own car and pays her own bills. She’s not unlike a lot of other professional black women who have said “where are all the men?”

Black Couple - Smiling.

We continued the conversation. I’m doing more listening than anything else because, well, I don’t have the answers. I could tell that she was really frustrated because, from the outside looking in, she’d done everything right. If you do everything right, so we’re told, there’s supposed to be a prize at the end.

“Is it me,” she asked with a painful finality that tugged at my heart. I’ve known her for several years and had never heard her speak with this level of raw emotion. I could tell that she was hurting, deeply.

“What do you want in a man,” I asked her.

There was silence at first, and then she spoke. “I just want to be treated like a queen,” was her response.

So, that’s it. That’s why you’re single.

Ladies, here are 5 reasons why you do NOT ever want to be treated like a queen.

1)      A Queen has subjects, not friends.

Most successful and confident men look for a mate who has the ability to have sustainable and meaningful relationships. Since a Queen requires the absolute loyalty of her subjects (notice I didn’t say friends) dissenters find their way into prison or death. For a woman who believes the throne is her birthright there is only room for groupies and tag-alongs, not friends. To a man, friendship is extremely valuable. If you can’t sustain this type of relationship with others you’ll never be able to sustain one with him. He does not EVER want to be your subject.

2)      A Queen’s life is dedicated to the service of others.

From the outside looking in this sounds like an awesome attribute to have. After all being selfless has its own abundance of rewards. But, during the honeymoon part of the relationship (that part where you only want him to see you picture perfect ALL THE TIME), being a woman for others is not the business. If you haven’t noticed yet, men have fragile egos. We need adoration and stroking. If you’re not there because you’re out saving the world, men will find what they’re looking for in the arms of someone else.

3)      A powerful Queen and powerful King rarely, if ever, coexist

A Queen’s power is derived as a result of her absolute authority over her subjects. Likewise, a King’s power is derived as a result of his absolute authority over his subjects. Rarely, if ever, have a powerful king and a powerful queen coexisted. In order for a successful throne one party has always taken the backseat. This is where it gets tricky because most successful women are attracted to take-charge men. Queens and Kings rarely, if ever, abdicate power easily. This is another reason why most Queens are alone.

4)      Queens don’t get the day off

If you’re in a relationship you can’t expect to treat them poorly and then act like nothing happened. You don’t get to say “I’m having a bad day” and use that as an excuse for terrible behavior. If you want to be treated like a Queen then, remember, your life is spent in service to others, (unless, of course, you’re a bad Queen). A Queen’s life has to be a point of light for everyone she comes in contact with, even if it means you’re tired, stressed and just don’t feel like it. The crown is more important than your feelings (remember, you wanted to be the Queen).

5)      Queens don’t care about real emotions, they care about duty

This is one of the most intoxicating reasons why people want to be Queens, the unending adoration of your subjects. Who doesn’t want to awake knowing that it is the duty of all of your underlings to love and adore you (even if they don’t, it’s their job to fake it)? The problem with this is that you never get to experience true love because you’ve taken away people’s choice to not love you. There’s a continental divide between me wanting to love you versus me having to love you. A Queen will never know that distinction and thus will never experience the joy of true love.

When a man hears “I want to be treated like a Queen”, he doesn’t just say to himself “I guess she won’t be okay with McDonalds.” He starts to think about his bank account. He starts to think about his own emotional needs and how they probably won’t get met, and sadly he starts to think about the people and places he can turn to in order to fill the void that this new “queen” is sure to leave unattended.   Today’s brand of queens rarely ask “what can I do for you” outside of a sexual encounter. And this is one of the main, if not THE main reason, why so many men run, not walk, away from these so-called throne abdicators.

If you want to be in a meaningful, long term relationship then be someone who is willing to get their hands dirty (maybe literally). Many men like effeminate women, but just not when it’s to the point of you having to be carried everywhere on the shoulder of eunuchs. Be a friend and a partner first. If you go into the relationship looking to have your standing as Queen constantly reaffirmed then yes, a Queen you’ll be, albeit a single one.

Staff Writer; Steven Robinson